How to Get Your Family to Help Around the House Without Doing All the Managing
Next week my son and daughter, who are twins, are turning 18.
I can’t actually believe it. I feel really accomplished.
Nitzavim-Vayelech are their parshiot, and when my daughter became bat mitzvah, we learned her parsha together. The idea we focused on was Hakhel.
All these years later, it still really resonates with me.
At Hakhel, once every seven years, the entire Jewish people gathered to hear the Torah read by the king.
Everyone had to come.
Men. Women. Children. Old people. Young people.
It didn’t matter who you were. You were part of the Jewish people, so you showed up.
(Logistically, I try to imagine doing that today and it makes me overwhelmed.)
Why did everyone have to come?
Because every single person mattered. The Jewish people were only whole when everyone was there.
Today we don’t have Hakhel, but I think our families function in a similar way.
Everyone in the family matters, and everyone has a role in making the household work.
How do you get your family to help around the house?
You start by changing the idea that one person is responsible for the house and everyone else is “helping.”
If you live in the house, you’re part of the household.
That doesn’t mean everyone does an equal amount. It doesn’t mean a five-year-old should have the same responsibilities as a fifteen-year-old, or that two adults with very different schedules need to divide every single task 50/50.
Shared responsibility doesn’t mean equal responsibility.
It means everyone contributes in a way that makes sense for their age, ability and circumstances.
I’ve seen this really clearly as my kids have gotten older.
One of the things I’m proudest of as they turn 18 is that they know how to do things. They take responsibility for themselves, but they also pitch in and take responsibility for our family.
They understand that living in a family doesn’t mean one person does everything in the house while everyone else lives in it.
We all live here.
We all have a part in making it work.
Helping isn’t the same as owning a responsibility
There’s a difference between someone helping you with a job and someone actually taking responsibility for it.
If you have to notice that the dishwasher needs unloading, tell someone to unload it, remind them later, check whether they did it and then follow up when they didn’t, you may have delegated the physical task.
You haven’t delegated the responsibility.
You’re still managing it.
Congratulations. You’ve created another job for yourself.
Running a household isn’t only about physically doing things. Someone is also noticing, remembering, planning and following up.
When someone truly owns a responsibility, part of the job is eventually remembering that it needs to happen.
Eventually is important.
Teaching responsibility doesn’t mean they’ll know how to do it immediately
Giving someone responsibility doesn’t mean saying, “This is your job now,” and expecting them to magically know what to do.
You still have to teach them, and sometimes the best way to do that is to work alongside them.
In our house, we often do Shabbat cleaning at the same time. I might be working on one thing while one of my kids is working on something else nearby. They can ask questions, I can help if they get stuck, and they’re still responsible for their own job.
That kind of working alongside someone is called body doubling. You’re doing your own task while another person is nearby doing theirs. The other person isn’t doing the work for you, but having someone there can help with focus, structure and accountability.
Sometimes kids learn better when we’re there doing our own work beside them. They can see how things get done and ask when they’re not sure what comes next. Over time, the job that once required you to be nearby becomes something they know how to handle themselves.
That’s very different from doing it for them. The goal is to give them enough support to learn how to do it without you standing there forever, because, really, that would defeat the purpose.
Why should children have responsibilities at home?
Because household responsibilities help children learn how to be part of a family now and how to take care of themselves later.
The American Academy of Pediatrics says age-appropriate chores can teach children life skills and help them learn how to cooperate as part of a family. You can read their guidance on chores and responsibility here.
Children don’t turn 18 and magically know how to:
- do laundry;
- prepare food;
- clean a bathroom;
- put things away;
- take out garbage;
- manage their belongings;
- notice that household supplies need replacing;
- help prepare for Shabbat;
- or see that someone else in the family could use a hand.
Those are skills, and skills have to be taught and practiced.
I want my children to grow into adults who can take care of themselves and also know how to live with other people.
They live with roommates now, and they’ll get married and have families of their own. They already need to be functioning adults. That doesn’t only mean knowing how to wash your own clothing or cook yourself dinner.
It’s understanding that when you share a home with other people, you contribute to that home. You notice, participate, and take responsibility.
I want my kids to be the kind of spouses who know how to be partners in running a household, not people who sit around waiting for someone else to notice what needs to be done and hand them an assignment.
That starts long before marriage.
It starts at home.
But isn’t it easier to do it yourself?
Sometimes, absolutely.
It can take longer to teach someone how to do a job than to do it yourself, and they may not do it exactly the way you would. You’ll probably have to explain it again, and again, and remind them three times.
You’ll probably have to let them do a mediocre job for a while because they’re still learning, which can be super annoying.
But “I can do it faster myself” may help you right now, but it doesn’t help future you.
If you always do it yourself, when exactly are they supposed to learn?
There’s a difference between getting tonight’s dishes into the dishwasher as quickly as possible and teaching someone how to participate in maintaining a household.
Sometimes being efficient today creates more work for you tomorrow.
What household responsibilities are appropriate for children?
The responsibility should match the child, not an arbitrary chore chart you found on Pinterest.
Young children can begin with simple jobs. As children grow, their responsibilities can grow too. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends increasing household responsibility as children mature rather than treating chores as something they outgrow. Their age-by-age guidance is here.
A younger child might:
- put toys back;
- place dirty clothing in the hamper;
- help set the table;
- put shoes where they belong;
- feed a pet with supervision.
An older child or teenager might:
- manage their own laundry;
- prepare a meal;
- unload the dishwasher;
- clean a shared space;
- take responsibility for garbage or recycling;
- help with shopping;
- take on part of Shabbat preparation;
- manage their own room and belongings.
The exact job matters less than the expectation:
You’re part of this household, so there are things you’re responsible for.
You’re the project manager, not the entire staff
For many families, one person still manages most of the household.
That person notices what needs to happen, keeps track of schedules, knows what’s running low, remembers appointments, plans meals, sees the mess and knows what needs attention next.
If that’s you, being the household project manager doesn’t mean you should personally execute every task.
That would be a terrible project-management strategy anyway.
Part of the job is figuring out what other people can take responsibility for and teaching them how to do it.
Delegating does require work at the beginning. You have to explain the job, you may have to demonstrate it, you may need to do it together, and you need to set the expectation.
Then you need to give the other person space to actually become responsible for the task.
If you take the job back every time they do it differently than you would, you haven’t really delegated. You’ve assigned them the privilege of doing it exactly your way while you supervise. (Which is terrible!) Be okay with how they do it and be happy it’s done.
If they don’t do a good job, you can tell them ways to improve, but being overly critical doesn’t help either.
Start with one thing
If one person in your house is currently responsible for almost everything, don’t try to redistribute the entire household this weekend.
Pick one thing.
Ask:
What is one responsibility someone else in this family could reasonably learn to own?
Not occasionally help with.
Own.
That might mean one child becomes responsible for unloading the dishwasher every day.
Someone else owns taking out the garbage.
A teenager starts learning to manage their own laundry.
Maybe your child cleans one part of the house while you’re cleaning another.
At first, you may still need to teach, supervise or remind.
The goal isn’t instant independence. The goal is to gradually move something from:
“Mom has to make this happen”
to:
“I know this is my responsibility.”
That’s progress.
The goal is bigger than getting the chores done
Watching my kids become capable of taking care of themselves and contributing to our family reminds me that this is part of what we’re teaching when we ask children to participate.
We’re not only getting the dishes done, we’re teaching them how to be part of a household, that they matter to the family, and that their contribution matters.
We’re teaching them how to notice what needs to happen, how to take responsibility and how to follow through.
We’re teaching them how to become functioning adults.
And, I hope, adults who someday know how to be good partners in whatever household they create for themselves.
That, to me, is part of the Hakhel lesson too.
Everyone matters.
Everyone belongs.
Everyone has something to contribute.
When each person contributes what they can, the whole family functions better.
Want help figuring out what you can hand off?
Bring the project to Tidy Together.
For $1, you can try a live Tidy Together session with me. We can declutter an area of your home, figure out what needs to happen there, and look at which parts you may be able to start teaching your kids to take responsibility for.
You’ll still do the work. I’ll help you figure out where to start, break the project into manageable steps and keep you moving through three focused work sprints.
Tidy Together uses the same idea of body doubling we talked about above. You’re working on your own project while other people are working alongside you, with accountability and support available when you need it.
Then, instead of leaving with another job that only you know how to do, you can start thinking about what other members of your household can learn to own too.
Try Tidy Together for $1.
One household. More than one capable person.
That’s the goal.
