In a few days, Evan and I will celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary.
Before we got married, my father told me he wouldn’t pay for our wedding unless we signed a halachic prenuptial agreement.
For those unfamiliar, a halachic prenup is designed to help prevent situations where one spouse refuses to grant a get (Jewish bill of divorce) if a marriage ends.
It wasn’t a condition he imposed only on me. My father had the same conversation with my brother before he got married because he believed that preparing for life’s uncertainties was part of building a strong foundation for the future. Besides, even when your kids are old enough to get married, you never stop being a parent.
And I argued with him. A lot!
“Dad, Evan loves me. If I ever wanted a divorce, he’d obviously give me a get. What could possibly go wrong?”
Looking back, that was a very young and very-in-love thing to say.
Baruch Hashem, nearly 24 years later, we haven’t needed that prenup, but I am glad I have it and that my dad made us get one.
Over the years, I’ve come to understand that my father wasn’t preparing me for divorce, or even anticipating that we would get divorced. He was preparing me for the reality that life doesn’t always unfold the way we expect.
Love is wonderful and important, but it isn’t a plan.
My father wasn’t questioning our relationship. He was teaching me that good intentions are not systems.
Love matters.
But when life gets complicated, love alone doesn’t tell you what to do next.
The spies are a feature of this week’s parsha, Parshat Shalach. They looked at the Land of Israel and saw fortified cities, powerful armies, and giants.
But not everyone came back with the same report. Yehoshua and Kalev saw the exact same things as the other spies but they drew a totally different conclusion.
They weren’t blind to the challenges. They simply chose a different response
The spies saw uncertainty and concluded there was no path forward.
Yehoshua and Kalev saw uncertainty and understood that a path forward could be created.
They knew entering the Land of Israel wouldn’t magically solve every problem.
There would be wars, setbacks, mistakes and plenty of blood sweat and tears.
They also knew that the Jewish people weren’t walking into that future empty-handed.
The Jewish people had a covenant with Hashem. It didn’t remove the uncertainty, but it gave them a framework for navigating it, similar to what a ketubah and a halachic prenup do as well.
And perhaps that’s why this parsha made me think about that conversation with my father all those years ago.
A ketubah doesn’t guarantee a happy marriage and neither does a halachic prenup.
Just as entering the Land of Israel didn’t guarantee every battle would be won.
But they provide a framework, a commitment, and a path forward when life becomes complicated.
Preparation is not pessimism.
Preparation is acknowledging that we don’t know what the future holds and choosing to move forward anyway.
Earlier this week marked my mother’s 6th yahrzeit.
After she passed away, I spent two years writing Organized Jewish Life, inspired by her ability to always know what needed to be done and her belief that life works best when we prepare for it before we need it.
For the past four years, I have continued that mission through the Ruth Chaifetz Memorial Lecture Series.
This year’s topic is one many people would rather avoid.
Divorce.
More specifically, how Jewish communities can better understand, prevent, and address situations that can leave people trapped in marriages with no clear path forward.
Divorce is part of Jewish law.
Sometimes it is necessary.
It should not be a source of shame.
And conversations that can help protect individuals and strengthen families should not be taboo.
Strong communities are built when we are willing to have important conversations before there is a crisis.
If you’ve ever wondered why Jewish law approaches divorce the way it does, if you’re helping children prepare for marriage, or if you simply want to better understand an issue that affects countless Jewish families, I hope you’ll join us this Sunday as I speak with Rabbi Dovid Rosenbaum of Young Israel Shomrai Emunah in Silver Spring, Maryland.
Because sometimes the most important things we learn are the things we hope we’ll never need.
Sunday, June 7
11:00 AM Eastern / 6:00 PM Israel
Register here for the Ruth Chaifetz Memorial Lecture
Watch the Memorial Lecture Replay:
https://go.balaganbegone.com/memorial26replay